As always preceding a new treatment I spend hours reading; reading books, blogs, and articles from other infertiles, doctors, and scientists about success rates, treatment methods, causes, and experiences. I read two articles today that inspired me to share a bit about what’s going on in our journey at this point, and a little background…
I decided after my last treatment, prior to my last two surgeries that I would not let myself fall into the hole of self pity that normally comes with a 14 days on treatment, 14 days off waiting cycle. I would not let the hormones I was swallowing, or my husband was injecting into my gut get the better of me. I would not cry 20 times a day over stupid commercials, or reading other infertiles blogs, or driving to and from my RE’s (reproductive endocrinologist) office. I would not hide behind the hurt in my heart and let that be an excuse for my newly developed hermit lifestyle. I would not spend every waking moment of every single day bitter over it. I’m done with all of that… Moving on…
Instead, I will focus on this being my final treatment, I will keep the faith that this IVF is going to be the winning ticket, and I will open myself up to the friends and family that I so desperately needed support from all this time, but was too emotional, and proud to ask for it. Not only that, but I will spread my newfound knowledge of this disease, because I think it’s terrible that 1 in 8 couples suffer along this journey, and feel like they are traveling it alone.
Over four years ago I met with my first RE, and walked out the door without looking back, because I was scared. My only regret at this point in my journey is not sucking it up and grabbing it by the horns then. I’m not embarrassed by the problem, a bit bitter about it maybe, but who doesn’t go through a phase of bitterness when they are faced with a struggle they never imagined fighting? I don’t know many. It’s ok to be pissed off, but it wasn’t ok for me to give up then. I’m glad my heart wouldn’t let up, and that I finally just started pushing full speed ahead regardless of the obstacles.
Three painful procedures, three surgeries, three doctors and lord knows how many appointments, shots, pills, and miles on my car… here I am! Only 35 days away from starting what I know will be the hardest cycle yet, and regardless of that knowledge what I hope and pray will be the last leg of this infertile journey. I feel stronger, and more full of hope than I have since the start. I credit much of that newfound strength, and hope, to the family and friends who I have opened up to, and started to lean on for support <3